Book-to-Movie Adaptations #1

You know, three days ago I would've told you that I have seen the worst movie ever made. In fact, I probably would've told you that there is no one worst movie ever--just an handful of terrible movies that I group together as an amalgam of terrible that I coin The Worst Movie Ever. The movies within this amalgam include: Batman and Robin, Sharknado, and the entire on-screen Twilight series.

But little did I know that my entire amalgam of awful was about to be replaced. My lovely viewers, I saw Insurgent. And I NEARLY PUKED.

In the first episode of this blog series, "Book-to-Movie Adaptations," I'll be criticizing Insurgent, the second movie in the Divergent series, which I have decided to call The Worst Movie of All Time (™ Me).

I have never seen a movie that sucked as bad as Insurgent. Not only did the movie only have a maximum of two scenes that were even remotely similar to the book, but the movie, as a movie on its own, was the worst thing I have ever seen in my life.

I'm gonna need to use a list here, otherwise this Insurgent-bashing would be longer than Les Misérables.

Here is a organized list of why Insurgent is The Worst Movie of All TIme (™ Me):

1. Lack of Accuracy

This movie shouldn't even be titled Insurgent, because the only things that are the same between both the book and the movie are about two scenes and the names of the characters. Those two scenes are:

-Tris confessing to murdering Will under the influence of the Candor truth serum. That was the only part of her Candor confession that was the same, however.

-Tris going to Erudite by herself. That is the only aspect of that scene that is similar to the book. Not the place from which she left, the circumstances under which she left, what she did before she left, and what happened when she got there. The only thing that was the same was the fact that she went to a place called Erudite without another person. That's it.

The group of heroes are Tris, Tobias/Four (who is rarely called Tobias, I think only by his mother), Christina, Peter, Marcus, and Caleb. Except Marcus was only in the movie for, like, six seconds. And Peter didn't sell out the group at Amity, but he did in the movie. And Christina had about three lines. And Caleb left the group at the wrong time and never came back, despite the fact that he did in the book. Like I said, only the names.

The group (cue air quotes) never returned to Dauntless or Abnegation. Christina was one of the people that Jeanine tried to force to leap off of a building. Evelyn shot Jeanine. Tris and Four literally never fought.

It is impossible to list every difference, because the entire movie was one giant difference.

2. Goo-Goo Eyes

The main reason I hate this movie is because it forced me to type the words "goo-goo eyes." But I digress.

Every fifteen minutes or so, the action in the movie was paused (literally, its like the director actually pressed a pause button) and Tris and Four stopped whatever they were doing, turned around, and made goo-goo eyes at each other. These goo-goo eyes were often accompanied by, "You okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine."

Three-quarters of the movie was this. Just this. Ughhhhh...

3. Female Lead Can't Save Herself

There has been a large number of YA novels published lately that feature a strong female lead, which is absolutely FANTASTIC! One of those strong heroines is Tris Prior. Unfortunately, Tris's strength has been foiled by this new movie.

Nearly every time Tris gets into a bad situation, her boyfriend, Four/Tobias, shows up to save her. That deprives the character of the chance to demonstrate her strength and robs her of her ability to take care of herself. Which is both ridiculously sexist and, again, different than the book. Look, I have my issues with the book, but at least it featured a strong woman (I would discuss misrepresentation of women in literature, but that would fill up this entire website).

So basically they took the "strong" out of the strong female lead. Stay classy, Insurgent.

4. Just a Bad Movie on its Own

I'm going to make a list within this list in order to keep this category organized--

Everything that Sucks About Insurgent:

1. Acting is terrible, except for Miles Teller. If you need an excuse to see this movie, the 7 minutes of Miles Teller's dry wit will suffice.

2. The plot, which isn't at all like the book, is stupid. It makes zero sense. It's the plot of a movie you would see on the Syfy channel.

3. The CGI is excessive and irrelevant. There is no need for a dreamscape to disolve into tiny shards of glass.

4. Naomi Watts is supposed to be Four's mother, but they literally made her look so young for the movie that she could have been his sister.

5. If you're thinking that the movie is worth seeing to see Octavia Spencer, you're wrong, because she is hardly in it.

So there you have it. Insurgent is unlike the book, the two lovers make goo-goo eyes far too often, the female lead is kinda weak, and the movie itself is just all-around bad.

Does everyone remember the back of the Insurgent book? It's this:

Well, the "choice" is whether or not you see this movie. The "sacrifice" is the ten or so dollars you spend to see the movie, as well as the 2 hours you spend watching it. The "loss" is the small bit of happiness you lose because you saw it. The "burden" is the fact that you now have to go back to your daily life with the images from the movie burned into your brain. The "battle" is how you will have to fight the urge to drive to the director's house and punch him in the face. The choice to see this movie may not destroy you, but it will certainly destroy your evening.

Rating: 1 star, which is entirely attributed to Miles Teller. No wonder he was so good in Whiplash.

#insurgent #booktomovie